My life is a f*ckin movie

Growing up, I always used to watch movies. We were too poor to afford cable, so what did we do? We filled an entire storage room with movies. Now, I look back at how something so simple, a blimp really in the grand scheme of things, impacted me and who I am now so tremendously. I catch myself driving and giving myself free time to let my mind wander, and I am graced with the reality that movies aren't real. The stories, they aren't real. The characters, they.are.not.real. So why do I consistently catch myself comparing my life to them? Why do I feel like I will never be good enough because my high school didn't randomly burst into song or because my first boyfriend didn't pick me up in his shiny new red mustang? The reality I am faced with is, I am comparing myself to these versions of life because I am making a conscious effort to not appreciate my own. I appreciate a sunset on an Instagram page over a sunset that comes and goes right outside my window every night. I appreciate getting thirty comments on an Instagram picture I put a filter on, over my own natural and real reflection staring back at me every morning. So, I guess now I am faced with the harsh truth of, it's not movies, it's me. I control the way the world is presented to me. I control how I use my twenty four hours in a day. I am the movie. I am the director, the main character, the tree in the background and the person behind the camera. 

So what now? How does one go about making their own movie? Well, I am no expert, and I never will be but, I am experienced. I have experienced heartbreak, identity loss, growth, mistakes, regret, depression, re-discovery, anxiety, travel and self-doubt. I have learnt how to cope. How to expand, how to push my ego to the side and I am still learning to this day. Quite honestly, I don't ever wanna stop learning, because fuck would that ever be boring. 

I saw this Instagram story the other day, and it checked me. It checked my ass so hard. It was an interview with Jonah Hill, and the one thing he said that really spoke to me and gave me one of many "Aha" moments was, " Those who are truly living their best lives, are the ones who feel no need to post about it." So, when I say this checked me, I mean I thought about this one simple thing for the rest of my day. It has made a mark on the way I am currently thinking because, I am not living my best life. The person who posts about the things they do, food they eat, clothes they wear and post about for validation, is me. For those who know me on a personal level, the ability to accept that I am not perfect, that I maybe have done something wrong, is a hard pill to swallow for me. But, I will tell you, the biggest pill by far, was the one that told me I need to change. Ever since I forced that sucker down, the realizing has come easier, change more frequent and owning up to my shit, more often. 

I leave you with this, and what I plan to do at the end of every blog post. What I have learned in hopes it can help you too. 

1) The reality you create for yourself is your own personal movie. What kind of narrative are you going to write?

2) Doing something wrong, is better than always trying to be right. 

3) Perfection isn't real, it was a word created by a bunch of people to put a shell over you, don't be afraid to grow out of it. 

4) Always think about how you would want the main character played by you to be portrayed to the audience, who is also you. 

Farewell friends, until next time. 

-Kay